Wowee!

Sep. 5th, 2010 01:26 am
I'm now a mod for Capslok Dethklok! I was so surprised when our head honcho asked me to do it, pretty much out of nowhere. I love CLDK so this is awesome.
Is because Bruce Lee is dead and can't prove how much more ass he could kick.

Stripping

Sep. 9th, 2008 02:23 pm
Furniture. It's really hard. I thought I could use the heat gun to get the layer of latex paint off... Only where there's 2 layers, otherwise it just gets really tiny bubbles all over so when you try to scrape it, it ends up a big gooey mess. So I switch to paint stripper... It doesn't seem to get in there deep enough to really lift the paint off the wood.

WANTED: Small used power sander, cheap but in good condition. Craigslist here I come.
Ready?

We don't want to need men, but sometimes, for just a short bit, we do need them.

Not in that weepy validation way, or the white knight solves all the problems way, and not in a sexual way, but in a much more primitive way.

The way that a male protects the females of a group, so that in this world that seems occasionally hellbent on hurting us and making us feel like crap, there is shelter, warmth and safety. A chance for a respite to catch our breath and prepare to fight onward again. A connection between two members of the same species in their respective animal roles.

If you're reading this as anti-girl-power, you're missing the point. It's not about control or subservience, it's about comfort and health. Yes health. It's healthy for a human to find an environment with another human where they feel safe and relaxed. And for those females who are straight or bi w/ disposition towards men, those kinds of feelings come about more easily and naturally with males. I've not had any in-depth discussions with lesbians on this or any related topics so anything I say on that would be PURE speculation and not one I want to try.

Obviously you can't just find any old person to feel that way with, so it's not about just physical contact. It's openness and trust as well. Which is why it CAN involve sexual relations, but it's not required. By the reverse, just having sex randomly will not get you to that spot. It may feel like it on the surface, but in the back of your mind all the fears and doubts and misgivings and guilt (maybe just the tiniest sliver) will be churning around.

In trying to be seen as equals we've said that we can stand on our own thank you very much, and in turn painted ourselves into the corner of "stand alone or be seen as weak and unworthy," but yet we still have the hind-brain need for meaningful connections with the opposite gender.

Maybe I'm speaking truth or maybe this is all a product of my backwards brain, but this is how I feel right now, so that's what I'm writing. Take it as you will and kindly leave any comments you wish.
So... I have no numbers for anyone right now. Please either comment with your number, or just give me call. Comments will be screened to protect any numbers posted. Thank you.

Insurance for the phone was such a good idea... Same price as the web service I never used. New phone came yesterday, and the only reason I didn't have it on Wednesday was because I didn't call the insurance people back before the next day shipping deadline.
I'm down 3 more pounds as of Sunday, bringing my total loss so far to 8.5 lbs. Heading for that 10 mark!

Next: City of Heroes.

I like this game alot. The first time I tried playing it, back in it's early days, I found it kinda boring and not really fun once the novelty wore off. They've really fixed it up nice now.

The other thing about it, is that after having played WoW for years now, it's a very different community. Hell it IS a community, at least on Virtue server. WoW community is all about your guild and very few outside of it. It's just so big there's really no other way. I guess it's the difference between playing a game with what is it up to now? 225 servers? versus playing a game with like 10. Virtue and Freedom are the only ones I ever see showing mid capacity as well.

People know other people. People talk about other characters from all over the server like you've heard of them, because you probably have at least seen them in passing. Hang out in Pocket D, the neutral dance club, for a while and you'll get to see and meet lots of people. Yes meet. You can feel free to chat up anyone you like.

On Virtue, which I have heard is the "unoffical" RP server, people are really into their characters. They have a whole wiki where you can post your character's history, personality, pets, whole life story and details. You run into mostly RPers too. It's so fun.

Right now I'm listening to The CAPE Radio. It's a streaming radio station run by Virtue players. "You're not Super till you put on The CAPE." I was in Pocket D last night hanging out w/ the DJ and other players, just partying down. As I was jumping up and down to Skindred's "Nobody", as I suddenly recalled Earth & Beyond, and what life was like in that game. I missed it so much, but I've found it again, and better than ever.

I'm not giving up WoW by any means, it's a great game and I have a bunch of friends there, but I will be splitting my time. Silva how do you do it?
I decided on something. Since I'm having to move anyway, and since I planned to leave South Florida in the next year or two, AND since I'm not sure how much job security I have...

I'm moving to Orlando.

As long as I can find a job, I'm outta here. The rents are cheaper, the scene is better, and once I get through Community College, UCF is right there. I just feel that my growth and advancement are done here, so I'm looking to move on.

In other news...

O M G *SQUEE*

Convergence, the big Goth convention, that I thought New Orleans two years ago was the closest it would ever get to me...

Is being held in Ybor City (Tampa) this year.

I can't believe it!!! And it's not till August, so I have a chance to save some money to go! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! Check it out if you're interested.

Convergence 14
And they're driving me crazy. I'm just so depressed and messed up in the head today, and I know that's why. It just started raining and that was enough to take me from "I kinda feel like crying" to actual tears. But I wanted it to rain and keep raining. It's peaceful to me when I'm in a mood like this. I'm also hot most of the time. From last night to now at least. I woke up sweating even though I turned down the AC to the point where normally I'd be kinda cold. My head doesn't want to clear, I'm achy, I'm afraid of people being even slightly displeased with me, and all I want to do is hide in my room for the day... maybe two.

The lovely thing is that I know why it's happening, what's causing it, but that doesn't change how I feel. All it allows me to do is explain to other people why I'm such a mess right now, and keep me from going after chocolate bars to try and gain some kind relief. I'm hoping this is over soon, I don't need this on top of all the other stress I have right now.
And when I got on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh-in...

220.

So down a total of 4 lbs now! It's a small thing, but seeing definite loss two weeks in a row makes me very happy. It makes me sure that it's really working, that it wasn't just a fluke last week. Oh and since my scale saves every weigh in, but only displays 7, 30, & 90 days ago, I can now confirm that I did indeed have a dyslexic moment last week and the actual reading was in fact 221.4 lbs.

My fat dropped 1% too, so that's a happy thing.

I went on a bike ride on Monday and did a little yoga on Wednesday. I wanted to go to the weight room on Friday, but we had a minor crisis at work which left me more tired than usual, so I skipped it. I figure the first week you're exercising probably isn't the best time to force yourself into too much. I promised myself that I wouldn't skip it this week though.

I'm going to have to take a picture today too, so that I have a "before" picture saved for a few months down the line to have a comparison. I figure when I get down to 200 would be a good time to take another picture and compare the two.

My current jeans are size 20. I wonder what they'll be at 200?
Sorry to bug you again, twice in one day... Just wanted to share some thoughts I had while reading the weight loss community I joined here.

I don't really have a problem w/ craving or anything when my roommates bring stuff home, it's just a small thing really. If I really do want something they have, I'll ask for a little bite and that's the end. Just the flavor is enough to banish any further desire for the item.

I really have given up on suffering and guilt in this, and I find that I've been liberated from craving huge amounts of pizza and chocolate and other not healthy things. The vision is WAY better than guilt.

What's the vision? Technically it's a stupid corporate ploy to get people to work harder for less money, but in this case I'm using it for good.

The vision is me at a convention wearing a new kickass design and having a big circle of people all wanting to get my picture, because not only is my outfit/costume unique and interesting, but I look great in it too.

Isn't that a lovely thought?
And I'm down 2.5 lbs. Not much, but it's a start.

So I weighed myself yesterday morning, a week from the first time, and went from 224.1 to 221.4. Because I was so worried about not having lost anything, and my brain normally goes to the negative first rather than the positive, I had a minor dyslexic moment and thought it said 224 again. I realized my mistake when later on the morning, after I had eaten, I got on the scale to weigh my cat, and it said I was 222... So it couldn't have said 224 when I had just gotten out of bed, used the toilet and stood on the scale naked BEFORE it said 222 when I was dressed and had eaten. I know weight fluctuates daily, but I don't think I could see-saw that much in a couple of hours... I'm putting it in the win column for now anyway.

Roommates who are not trying to lose weight can sometimes be annoying. They order pizza, or mozzarella sticks, or bring home huge cheeseburgers, or say did you want the last cinnamon roll? They don't do it on purpose, just forget that I'm trying to watch what I'm eating and my calories. I do wish one roomie would join in though. I think I'll mention that I'd be happy to help if they wanted to.

I can have cheeseburgers, I just have to make them at home with the super lean meat and cook them on the Foreman grill. It's actually very tasty and juicy. If my Publix had had the soft tofu I would have tried mixing it about 1/3 tofu to 2/3 meat to make it a bit more balanced, but alas that will require a separate trip.

I think that I can eat more foods than I realize (picky eater). I've deduced that as long as a food has a noticeable flavor, and one I like, I'll probably be OK eating it. I like ham. I made one for dinner yesterday, with honey and fruit glaze. It was fabulous! I bought cold cut ham the other day and made a sandwich out of it. I couldn't stand it. I don't know why, but the flavor of it was awful. I even tried putting a slice of cheese on it and it didn't help. Maybe I could have tried barbecue sauce, but I had already put mayo on it and I don't think that's a good combo.

So...

Mar. 20th, 2008 12:41 pm
It's been like 2 weeks since I began to modify my eating habits. It was tough at first, but now that I've gotten the hang of things, it's going rather well.

I know I need to start working on getting in some exercise now, but the problem there is my back hurts. It never really stops, even though I don't notice it when I'm sitting or lying down, but if I lift stuff, or do a lot of bending, it gets stiff and sore. It's a horrible Catch 22. If I got in a little exercise, it would probably stop bothering me, but if it's bothering me, I don't want to exercise.

I've had trouble with my back before so I don't want to overdo it and really throw it out, but I figure the only way I can get started is to take a Tylenol and work through it. Maybe I should visit the chiropractor first, then start. It could be that it really just needs an adjustment to stop being so inconsiderate of my current goals.

Oh I did weigh myself last Sunday, about a week from when I got my scale, but it said I had lost 4 pounds in a week. I know that's not right since I had jeans on the first time and I was in my pajamas on Sunday. Different time of day too. So no weight information till this Sunday morning when I'll jump up there before breakfast.

Oh I will say that on Sunday the scale said I was 224.1 lbs, 51% fat, and of that 9% was visceral fat (around the organs). So I'm horribly obese on the BMI scale, but normal on the visceral scale. Personally I think the BMI scale is a little out of whack for me since I'm going to be carrying more fat than average due to my breast size.

I was going to sneak off to the bookstore for a few minutes, but it just started POURING rain. I'll stay and make some phone calls to see if this lets up. Goddess knows we need the rain, so I'm really not complaining.
My friend, commenting on my last post, said that she had thought about starting a separate journal for her weight loss journey.

I've debated that too, but I figured this is me. I'm a whole person, not just my angst or my happiness or my eating habits. So this is where it is.

Maybe I'll just have a new userpic for weight stuff from now on...
Despite that being actually true in a technical sense, I meant it more like the way "asshole" and "damn" are four letter words.

I hate the word diet, because it implies that you're doing something that's a chore. Something unpleasant to be endured and stopped as soon as possible. I think that attitude is what causes a lot of people to yo-yo with their weight.

I started myself on a plan to drop some pounds on Wednesday. I gave up on trying to figure out the massive layers of byzantine weight loss information and went back to the most basic of formulas: More calories out than you put in. To start with, I'm not worrying about an exercise routine. If I feel like it I will, but I'm not going to focus on it until I've been on my new eating plan for at least 2 weeks. Once the food is under control, the kinks worked out, (this morning I discovered that I MUST have some kind of starch in my breakfast otherwise my guts get very unhappy,) and a pattern established, THEN I can put more focus on exercise.

So right now I'm in the process of figuring out what I can eat and how much to stay within my daily calorie alotment. Since I'm not exercising, my goal is 1200 a day, with a restriction of 1450. Meaning I'm trying for 1200, but if I don't feel right, or just HAVE to have a little more or something, it's OK as long as I don't go over 1450. Once I start getting some activity in, (I bought a pump for my bike yesterday,)my goal will be 1200 net. Food - exercise = 1200.

This morning I think I went through the shifting of my body trying to still store the fat calories to actually starting to use them. I felt hot and miserable and tired, even after I ate. On my way to work my middle started to ache. I sometimes get an ache where my gallbladder used to be if I get hungry. So I ate the 100 calorie graham cracker pack I had stuffed in my bag to go with lunch. I felt better for about 20 minutes, leading me to my starch at breakfast conclusion, but then it came back with a vengeance. A few minutes of pacing around the office, sipping my water, and it finally stopped. Afterwards I've felt much better on the whole.

Actually I've felt better since making this decision. It wasn't one I made in a declarative fashion either. I just sort of kept thinking that I could do it, and I should, and really it can't be THAT hard right? For the first time I have a positive outlook on the whole thing. I'm not doing it to spite myself, I'm doing it to feel better. Not in the "oh wow I'm so happy!" way, but in the "hey, things are OK" kind of way. I suppose it's like a slow burn compared to a firework. I'm much more relaxed about it, rather than all the frantic tension I felt before.

Anyway I'll be checking in more as time goes by.

World

Jan. 20th, 2008 12:38 pm
You win. I'm broken. I give up. I can't stand for anything anymore.

I love

Jan. 3rd, 2008 10:02 am
I love the future and technology.
I love steel and glass.
I love fantasy and magic.
I love wood and brass.

Titanium, the scientific material.
It takes man to the stars and allows great feats.
Orichalcum, the legendary material.
Clad mighty Atlantis, where a heart of wonder beats.

Here today, tossed tomorrow,
the motto of our time.
I grew up with old things,
to discard them, a crime.

I draw and dream
and make and build,
to capture a vision &
a memory dearly held.

Oh land of tomorrow!
Will your wonders always cost so much?
Oh land of yesterday!
Will your lessons never be learned as such?

When today's fantastic marvel becomes
the next day's worn out trash,
how do we build a lasting future,
that's more substance than flash?

Visions of future past.
Yesterday's dream of tomorrow.
Steam and diesel power
takes us forward as we grow.

The fantasy of copper, brass and iron,
built to last, to survive the ages long.
An example to our disposable world,
that endurance does still belong.

I love the future the present world envisions.
Such a wondrous place!
I want to see it with my own eyes, but I worry:
Can humanity keep pace?

Everything changing at
such dizzying speed.
Will technology be able,
to fulfill ALL our needs?
The more I realize I'm clueless. Awash in a sea of information, I'm afraid my intelligence is failing me.

This is a long one, so get comfy if you're so inclined. I didn't cut it because it's all or nothing. Deal. It's only text.

I have no defined sense of self. I am a little bit of everything and as such have no core identity which I can build off of. I don't have one place, one group, one passion that I can always go back to, always use as a baseline for the rest. I am the ultimate floater. While that can be pointed to as a refutation of my previous statement, I think it actually proves the point very well. You can't build on sand, or air.

Humans are pack creatures. At least social ones. To not be a part of any tribe or group is to be missing an essential component to wellbeing. The lone wolf doesn’t work out so well in the long run. I don’t have a core social group I can say I totally belong to. I’ve been through so many, and never really fit in all the way. One foot in, one foot everywhere else.

I don't think my mother thinks I'll ever be able to accomplish anything anymore. Or maybe that was my Dad... I don't know. My brother and my step-sister are the success stories of the family. I'm still a-wandering around. I can’t seem to find one thing that I can be happy doing. Or at least not go crazy doing over and over again. I want to create and discover and solve problems. I was asked over the holiday what I was doing, job-wise, and I replied with “Nothing worthwhile.”

There's so much in my head. I know I'm capable of alot of things. I just can't find the way to do them. I seem to get bored so easily. Or maybe not bored, but just lose enthusiasm for whatever I’m doing. I’m also easily distracted. I’m reading 3 other sites as I’m writing this, plus listening to music. Oh I ate lunch in the middle there too.

There's so much to do. It's all so overwhelming. So I don't do anything. I'm trying to figure out why. I haven't come up with anything yet. All I know is that the more fun and novel something is, the more likely I’ll scrounge some extra time for it. Yet I get home at 4 in the afternoon, and do a few things, then wonder why I can’t seem to find time for all the other things I need to do. Or even just want to do. Sometimes it seems that I’m perpetually chasing after the “high” of feeling like I’m happy, instead of making something of myself. Which in turn makes me feel like I must be the laziest person around, so again I feel overwhelmed instead of driven to change.

I'm supposed to be a fully functioning adult by now. I feel like I'm just realizing all the things I was supposed to do when I was 17 and didn't because I was sure I had things under control and a real plan for the future. I also feel like I was lied to alot when I was younger. Or at least that the truth was not properly explained. Is there a way to catch up or am I doomed to a lonely life full of failed expectations?

From what I was given to understand, you picked something, you went to school and life was good. Only they didn’t say that all of a sudden you had to not only go to school, but learn how to manage your own life in total at the same time. Did we mention that you make your own rules now too? Oh you’ve never operated outside of parental control before? Well, hope you learned how to manage your own time & money then! At least for me, I didn’t have a life outside of going to school before leaving for college, so I really had no clue how to integrate all these facets into a functioning whole. I went home, watched a little TV, did the most minimal amount of homework I could, read to pretend I was doing more homework, a little more TV, then bedtime. That was high school for me. “College will be fun for you. People will be nicer and more diverse and the work more interesting.” First two: Totally true. Last one should have been, “The work will be more interesting late in the first year or maybe the second year. Your homework will be massive, boring, and if you skimp on it, you WILL fail, unlike High School where you can skate by.” No one required me to develop the drive to persevere through things I don’t like to do, or through failure really. Now I’m older and set in my ways, even though I recognize where I have problems, I don’t know how to fix them. It’s all a big mess.

This goes beyond my sometimes overdramatic spilling of whatever is troubling me at the moment. This is everything. This is my life. I have all this great potential, and I know this is true despite the little voice in my head yelling that I'm wrong, that I'm arrogant and selfish for even thinking it. I just don't know how to focus, how to use it, or how to apply it to my life in a functional way. It's just sitting there, taunting me with its power and me not able to take it in hand and forge my path.

There’s just this huge mass of failure, shame, procrastination, fear, self-loathing, and confusion that inhabits me now. Where before I could sort of plunge forward trusting that I’d figure out the way as I went along, I’m so unsure and unsteady currently that I feel like I have to know everything about what I’m doing or I’m doomed to miss some important detail and fail. There’s no middle ground either. So much in my mind is pass/fail these days. I am Jack’s Gordian Knot & it can’t be cut like the original one.

Am I alone in this malaise or are there others who share this disjunction of capability and action?

On art

Dec. 3rd, 2007 07:32 am
How do people learn to draw? I mean SpaceCoyote even posted an example that improvement is possible, but how do you GET THERE? She even says "as my teacher would say, 'Practice does not make perfect -- PERFECT practice makes perfect.' If you keep doing things the wrong way over and over again, chances are, you won't go far." So how do you learn the right way? Who teaches real drawing and not just still life or copying models?

Sometimes I hate Florida.
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